10 Lessons Learned from 2 Years with Twins.

With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood.
Isadora Duncan

The day has come and gone and my little firecrackers have stepped over the line of babyhood into all things toddlerhood. They have placed their baby-ness behind them and forged ahead, leaving me in a puddle of my own tears. Happy tears. Tears of pride. But also tears of the memories lost due to sleep deprivation. Tears of the struggles I’ve faced in the last two years due to BEING a twin mom and Tears of hope for what is yet to come.

Mothering twin babies has admittedly been the most challenging, most life-altering, most absolutely phenomenal experiences of my life. Coming from having had a singleton previously (yes, that is a word. And yes, it’s only used by Mom’s of multiples to characterize only ONE child at a time), I can without a doubt say that having more than one at a time, is hard. Harder than adjusting to life as a first time Mom (to you M.O.M’s who had twins AS their first babies – kudos, Mama. All the praise.) Harder than having two babies a year or so apart (I know I don’t KNOW that for sure, but I have friends who do, and Ive watched. That’s a whole different kind of hard. But nothing equals having two (or more!) preemie newborns who both cannot be consoled and need to be fed and you are their only hope.

I’ve been asked in the past to describe what it’s like to have twins and I’ve always shied away from the topic. Firstly because in our culture of perfection, the posts we normally see are all filtered. We stick with the success. The good. The thriving. And it always made me feel less than (it still does!) because my experience with twin babies wasn’t always good. I didn’t thrive.

I survived.

It always makes me feel a little insecure to bare the ugly with the good on the chance that someone thinks I’m complaining. But, the truth of the matter is, the first 2 years of my babies life was the most difficult days I’ve waded through thus far. So, in an effort to be real, honest and to celebrate ALL that is good and hard in my two miracle babies – here are 10 things I’ve learned, in no particular order, about having and raising twins.

People want to help you, but you need to ask. I’ve always been the kind of person who likes to think that I can manage on my own. Then, when I can’t manage and no one is stepping up to help, it’s also easy to feel alone and forgotten. One thing I learned from having twins is that there is a COMMUNITY of people around you willing and able to help. But they’re waiting for you to say the word. They’re waiting for you to give permission to help. And oh, how the load is lightened when you get over your own independence and pride and ALLOW help. When expectant twin parents ask me what my advice is, it’s always the same thing. If people ask if they can help, say “YES”, give them a time to come over and then decide once they’re there what you actually need in the moment. Too often I would find myself responding to whether I needed help with “I can’t think of anything” when in reality, there were SO MANY things I needed help with I couldn’t even bring myself to find just one. Say yes. Let them come. Then decide.
You can do hard things well. One of the most common phrases people say to me is “I don’t know how you do it.” And the fact of the matter is, you just do it. I had no other choice. It’s not like I was picking out apples at the grocery store and decided at the till I didn’t want one of them, so could put one back. We all do hard things. We all have different capacities. But when life gives you something unexpected, whether good or hard, you overcome because that is your only option. You master what’s in front of you and while you look like a superhero to others because they can’t imagine being in your shoes, if they were given the same task they’d turn into that same kind of superhero, too.
Mothering two babies at once is different than mothering one, and that’s okay. One of the toughest challenges for me with having twins was emotionally. With my first, I bonded with him immediately. I spent every moment soaking up every little milestone and my heart swelled over each new development. With my twins, I didn’t have that same capacity. I didn’t have the time to lay on the couch and gaze into my new babies eyes, etching every bit of him into my memory forever. I changed one baby, then changed the next, fed one baby, burped one baby, fed next baby, burped next baby, then I pumped. By the time I was finished pumping, it was time to start all over again. I treasured the quiet and peaceful moments nursing my first baby. We would snuggle and bond and I loved gazing at him, suckling away. With the twins, I either tandem fed (which is NOT relaxing in the least… and also makes you feel like an actual cow. haha) or I nursed one baby at a time, but that always meant the non-nursing baby was screaming. So I fed to the sound of screams most feeds. All these little things put together made me feel like I was not being the mother to my twins that I was with my first. It hurt. I felt defeated and like my new babies were not getting from me what they deserved. I had to realize that our reality as mother and sons was very different than my reality with my first. And that was okay.
There is great power in pictures. Some advice that I took from twin Mom’s I knew before I had mine was to take TONS of pictures – more pictures than I ever thought necessary or would normally take. I am SO THANKFUL I took this advice because if it weren’t for my phone full of photos, I wouldn’t remember what happened that first year. On my twins first birthday I cried because I could genuinely not remember most of what had happened that year. I don’t remember their first smiles. I don’t remember when they first rolled over or when they got their first teeth. But I do have pictures of those things, and I’m so thankful for them
Sleep deprivation is real. Of course it’s real. But I never understood the effects of true sleep deprivation until after I gave birth to my twins. For the first 4-5 months, I was up every 45 minutes. In the first 3 months my average nightly sleep (although broken) was 3 hours. It continually amazes me that the human body can still operate on such little sleep, but it also amazes me what it can do to your mind. I gained a new awareness and empathy for Moms that truly have nothing left; Who are so entrenched in their new roles as Mom that they can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel. The thoughts that raced through my head were terrifying, and it all was due to lack of sleep. People. Reach out to your friends who have just had babies and watch their kids while you let them sleep. You are restoring their mental capacities. You are saving them from themselves.
Living by a schedule is more important than the family gathering. I say this with a smile on my face, because of course we love our extended families, but when it comes to the first two years of twins, your family is just going to have to understand that having two napping babies at the same time is worth more than gold, and definitely worth more than being passed from family member to family member and then being cranky for the rest of the night. There will be other gatherings. And you will attend them all, when your twins are 4.
You will have to hold on to your marriage for dear life. I was chatting with another twin Mom the other day and the topic of marriage came up. We both love our husbands and they in turn love us, but the first year of twins placed a strain on both of our marriages that we had never expected. Mix the sleep deprivation, the responsibility of caring for two dependent babies (as well as a big brother), the differing parenting opinions and postpartum hormones and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I can honestly say that the most challenging part of my marriage thus far, has been adding twins to our family. But, don’t give up on each other. Communicate with one another. Fight for each other. You will come out stronger. Just don’t give up.
Watching the bond of identical twins is the most fascinating thing ever. If there’s one thing that makes my heart absolutely swell, its watching my boys interact with one another. From the moment they were born to just a minute ago, they’re constantly interacting. They were born 5 minutes apart and as soon as they laid Ashton on my chest, he reached his tiny 5lb1oz arm around his brother and didn’t let go. They’re constantly aware of one another, empathetic to each other’s pain and giggle with one another over the silliest things. I feel so privileged to be their Mom and witness all these little day to day things – their twinisms.
Be intentional with YOU time. You are important, Mama. You are needed. You are worthwhile. You are loved. And with twins, you are needed – depended on- by two against one. Everything you give of yourself is absolutely appreciated no matter how thankless the mundaneness of your motherhood may feel. And in and through all of that, you deserve a break. You need to take care of you. I gave and gave, constantly pushing my own needs to the side and I broke. You can only push your body, you mental energy, your emotions to the least priority for so long before you break down and have nothing left to give. I’ll get into that more another time, but this was the biggest thing I learned – and one Im still battling through until this day – to be intentional with time for YOU. You need it. You deserve it. It’s okay to rest.
You are worth more than you give yourself credit.

And so these last two years have built up an empathy and understanding I didn’t have before. It’s left me floundering and lost but also has stretched my heart beyond what I ever imagined. These two little boys have brought joy and excitement from the moment we found out there were two.

So if you’re expecting twins, if you’re mothering multiples or maybe you have singletons but feel much the same way, know that there is joy within the hardship. You’re doing well, Mama.

Oh to the excitement of what this next year will bring!