9 Years Later

9 Years ago to the day, I picked up a Booster Juice with my baby sister and headed to the hair salon to get ready for the rest of my life.

9 years.

On one hand it seems like a breath and on the other it seems like a lifetime.

2 degrees, 4 moves, a handful of jobs, 1 baby, 1 miscarriage, thru sickness and health, for better and worse, for richer and poorer, we’ve gone thru a lot. It seems like such a cliche to say that I love the man I married more today than I did the day we said, “I do” but it’s the truth.

And while 9 years seems like nothing in comparison to the 33 years of my parents or 54 of my grandparents, I have learned a thing or two in nearly a decade of being married to the man of my dreams.

While I can’t say that these years have been without a few hiccups, I can say that there is an opportunity for learning in every season of marriage. Here are 9 things  (in no particular order) that I’ve found make marriage one of the most enjoyable and exciting things about life;

1. Don’t talk smack behind your man’s back. Or your wife’s either, for that matter. Even when they’ve left their stuff all over the house or are late from work again, there’s no need to call up your closest friend and let her know about all your spouse’s short-comings. Not only does it tarnish his good name, but it will directly impact how you and your darlin’ communicate and relate to one another. Save those frustrations and tell your spouse instead. It works better when they actually know what’s driving you nuts than being talked about!

2. Be each other’s best friend. There’s no one I would rather spend my time with than my hubby. He makes me laugh uncontrollably and his adventurous spirit pushes the limits of my hesitancy. Beyond the bills, work, commitments and juggling this thing called life, take the time to actually just be friends. It makes things a whole lot more fun.

3. Don’t be each other’s only friend. Have you ever met a couple that is so inseparable that it’s actually sickening? Like, you kind of wonder what their purpose is besides being each others other half? I have. It’s cute at the very beginning but it’s not long lasting. You can never be everything to your spouse. You can try, but you will fail. Sometimes, when I’m having a moment and just need to vent, my hubby just can’t cut it. And it’s not because he’s not a good listener, it’s because I need GIRL FRIENDS. I need girlfriends who build me up, encourage me, or gently bring me back to reality in a way that my husband just can’t do. And the same goes for him. He needs his time with the guys to do whatever insanely ridiculous idea they’ve come up with that I would actually die if I saw him doing. Let each other have that time! No strings attached. This will do wonders for your marriage. Believe me.

4. Make the word divorce obsolete. The word divorce doesn’t exist in our house. We decided before we got married that we would never use this term in regards to our marriage. It is simply not an option. When you give yourself the option in the first place it becomes a lot easier to jump at it when things get tough. I have to tell you that my year working at a bridal salon was eye opening. The number of times I heard a bride genuinely say she would “save that dress for my next wedding,” when choosing between two dresses was shocking. When you leave that as an option from the very start, it’s no wonder the divorce rate is as high as it is in North America! Plus, we never want our kids to grow up in a home that toyed with the word divorce. (I get it that sometimes divorce becomes an option. This is not meant to shame anyone who has been through a divorce.  If you are in an abusive relationship whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally, seek help and make it an option.)

5.  Set goals and achieve them together. Having your own individual goals is important, but setting goals that you can work on and achieve together is so fulfilling. When we first got married we made a pact with each other that we would always (as long as we were able) keep physically in shape. We made this commitment to each other so that we would be as healthy as we could be, not just for ourselves, but for the other person too. As the years have come and gone we’ve gone thru phases of extreme levels of fitness to levels of fettucini alfredo overload (oh, that first year of marriage can do a number on your waistline) BUT we always work together to achieve that goal. Currently, it’s by doing Beach Body’s T25 together. It really feels great after each work out to give my hubby a congratulatory high five for accomplishing that day’s goal!

6. Intentional conversation.  Communicate. The reason you’ve heard this in relation to relationships so many times is because it’s completely true. The thing about communication is that you have to be intentional about it. You can’t just hope that the other person understands where you’re coming from and will act likewise. That just doesn’t happen and you’ll end up pouting on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for yourself (hypothetically speaking, of course…) Set a time to talk. Turn the tv off. Put your phone away. Lay your feelings out there and then… listen. Listen, listen, listen. And not just until their sentence is over so you can talk again, but really listen to understand where they are coming from so you can get on the same page!

7. Ask for help. This one is a tough one because once you get married you feel like you should have it all together and have all the answers for everything. You won’t. So find someone that you can ask for direction on issues in your relationship. It’s okay to need advice. In fact, it’s healthy. We’ve both been blessed with parents and grandparents we can go to with relationship questions and have friends who have been married much longer than we have that we feel safe and comfortable chatting with about things, but if you don’t have that support system, find a counselor, a pastor or someone you can trust (and is married!) to give you advice! (Remember, this isn’t a place to vent about your spouses down-falls, it’s a place to seek advice on things you’re struggling with).

8. Be your own family. The moment you get married, you’ve created a new family; the two of you and maybe later, some kids. As your own family, you can generate your own rules and establish the framework of how you want to operate your life. This is important to do outside of your individual immediate families. While extended family is incredibly important, it’s also important to know where you stand when it comes to how the two of you operate. Do you go to every single extended family gathering? Do you alternate Christmases? Do you go to the family dinner every Sunday afternoon? While it might feel like you’re hurting feelings or stepping on toes, you need to create margin within your life. Without that you will become guilt-ridden of all the “shoulds” and “could haves” when it comes to your extended families which will undeniably lead to bitterness and resentment. Skip that. Find your margin. Explain your decision to your families and then stick with it. This will make life easier on all fronts.

9. Keep the mystery alive. I stole this one from my Mom. When we were younger and she would do something completely uncharacteristic that shocked us all she would simply say with a smirk on her face, “Keeping the mystery alive!” That’s what we all loved about dating, right? The mystery! The unknown of this person. The desire to know them in and out, to see all of their quirks and laugh at all of their jokes. But after 3 years of being friends/dating and 9 years of marriage, I’ve seriously told all of my jokes. I didn’t know many in the first place. So, I’ll purposefully find something that I know my husband will love but that I wouldn’t normally do and… do it! The look of shock on his face as I named every single NHL team and many of their players was worth the few hours of study ;). Keeping the mystery alive! They’ll never know what’s coming next!

While this is by no means the Bible of marriage advice, it has been tried and trusted.

And so, Happy Anniversary, my love.

You have held a piece of my heart from the moment I met you (no matter how much I vehemently deny it). I love and respect you more than you will ever possibly know.

Here’s to another 9 years!